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What Becomes Possible When You Choose Yourself?

August 28, 2026•7 min read

What Becomes Possible When You Choose Yourself?

I handed in notice on my apartment this week. I don't have another apartment. I don't know exactly where I'm going yet. Strangely enough, I feel free.

The apartment itself is fine. The inside is lovely. But I have known for a while that this isn't where I want to stay long-term. I don't like the area. There are things about the building that don't work for me. My experiences with the management have been awful. I feel the energy of living somewhere that doesn't feel right for me anymore.

Yet, I kept living with it.

Because it was 'fine'.
Because moving is a pain.
Because where would I go?
Because shouldn't I find somewhere else before giving notice?

All perfectly logical questions.

But eventually I asked myself a different question: What do I want?

I want to live somewhere I enjoy.
I want to walk outside and like where I am.
I want my home to feel peaceful.
I want to feel good about the environment I've chosen for myself.

So I gave notice - almost immediately, something shifted.

I felt lighter.
Excited.
Hopeful.

I don't have the next part figured out yet. But for the first time in a while, I'm making plans based on where I want my life to go.

I'm choosing me.

Choosing Yourself Doesn't Mean Choosing Against Someone Else

I think we sometimes misunderstand what it means to choose ourselves. It can sound selfish.

What about my children?
My partner?
My work?
My responsibilities?

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm not suggesting that we stop loving people, helping people or showing up for the people who matter to us.

Choosing yourself isn't choosing yourself instead of everybody else.

It's finally including yourself in the decisions you make about your own life. Sometimes that looks so ordinary nobody else would even notice.

You make yourself a meal you really enjoy.
You turn everything off.
No phone.
No television.
No working while you eat.

You sit down and actually taste your food. You enjoy it. That's choosing yourself.

Your phone rings at nine o'clock at night. You look at it. Nothing is wrong. Nobody is in danger. It can wait until tomorrow. So you don't answer.

That's choosing yourself.

You have a free afternoon and instead of immediately filling it with errands, chores and things you think you should be doing, you ask: What would I enjoy doing today?

That's choosing yourself.

Small things. If you've spent decades automatically responding to everything and everyone around you, they don't feel small at first.

Then Comes the Guilt

This is the part we don't talk about enough. Choosing yourself can feel terrible before it feels freeing.

The first few times you don't answer that phone?

Oh my gosh. What are they going to think?

You say no to something you would normally have agreed to?

Was that selfish? Are they upset with me? Should I change my mind?

You sit down when there are still things that could be done?

I should be doing something.

I know that feeling. You make the change and then your old patterns start screaming at you to go back. You've practised them for years.

That's why I think of choosing yourself as a muscle. You don't decide to run a marathon on Monday and run 42 kilometres on Tuesday.

You train.
You build strength.
You practise.
You become more comfortable doing something your body once found difficult.

Choosing yourself works the same way.

The first time might feel incredibly uncomfortable. Then you do it again. And again. Eventually, not answering the phone doesn't require a 20-minute internal debate.

You let it ring.
You finish your coffee.
You call them tomorrow.

What Does It Cost When You Never Choose You?

This isn't only about saying no. It's about the patterns we create when we stop considering ourselves. For years, I was doing all kinds of things to try to feel better.

I was learning.
I was working on myself.
I was trying different tools.

And yet I would still find myself looking up at the sky asking:

How did I get here again?

I didn't understand it. I thought I was doing the work...... and I was. But I hadn't changed some of the patterns that were creating the life I was trying to heal from.

I hadn't changed how I spoke to myself.
I hadn't changed how automatically I responded to other people's needs.
I hadn't learned to pause.
I hadn't learned to ask what I wanted before answering.
I hadn't learned that an invitation wasn't an obligation.

A ringing phone wasn't a command. Someone else's opinion wasn't an instruction. The "I've always done it this way" wasn't a reason to keep doing it.

When we ignore ourselves long enough, it affects our energy.

We're constantly responding.
Anticipating.
Thinking.
Doing.
Worrying.
Second-guessing.
Replaying conversations.
Trying to keep things running smoothly.
Trying to make the right decision for everyone involved.

Somewhere inside all that noise is a woman whose own wants have become so quiet she can barely hear them anymore.

Then we wonder why we're exhausted.
Why we're anxious.
Why we're irritated.
Why everything feels like too much.
Why we don't feel like ourselves.

Sometimes it's not one enormous thing disrupting our lives.

It's a thousand tiny ways we've learned not to choose ourselves.

Start With: Who Am I?

Before you can choose yourself, you may have to get reacquainted with the woman you're choosing.

Who are you?
What do you like?
What gives you energy?
What drains it?
Where do you feel peaceful?
What makes you laugh?
Who do you enjoy being around?
How do you want your home to feel?
What do you want your mornings to look like?
What do you want more of?
What are you completely finished with?

And perhaps most importantly: What do you want?

Not what makes sense to everybody else.
Not what you've always done.
Not what keeps everybody happy.

What do you want? You may not know. That's okay. I didn't arrive here overnight either. You discover the answers by starting to pay attention.

What Becomes Possible?

This is the exciting part. What becomes possible when you start choosing yourself?

You get some of your energy back.
There is space to breathe.
There is less resentment because you're not automatically agreeing to things you don't want.
You start trusting your own decisions.
You hear your own voice more clearly.
You discover things you enjoy.
You start imagining possibilities again.

Sometimes you hand in notice on an apartment without knowing exactly where you're going next. Not because you're running away. Because you're finally asking: Where do I want to go?

I don't know where I'm going to be living next. But I know I'm ready for something different. There's something incredibly exciting about that.

You Don't Have to Change Everything Today

Choose one thing.

Let one phone call go to voicemail.
Eat one meal without doing anything else.
Take five minutes for yourself without earning them first.
Notice one yes that you don't actually want to give.
Catch one unkind sentence you're saying to yourself.

Ask yourself one question: What do I want right now?

Then listen.

This is the work I wish I'd understood years ago.

It's also why I created my free Coming Home to Yourself Masterclass.

I'll teach you simple tools to help calm the anxiety, quiet some of the noise and create a little more space between what happens around you and how you automatically respond to it.

Because when you have that space, you have options.

You have awareness.
You have choice.

And little by little, you can begin creating a life that includes you. It takes practice. It took me a long time to get here.

But I'm worth it and so are you.