I Didn't Realize What I Was Doing Until I Was Cleaning Up the Mess

There I was, after years of personal growth, tapping, trauma release and healing, looking at a situation I'd created and thinking:

Holy Hannah! How did I get here again? 😂

I'd been rushing, pushing and trying to do too many things at once.

Somewhere along the way, I'd stopped paying attention. It wasn't until everything fell apart and I was cleaning up the mess that I recognized something familiar. An old pattern.

That's when awareness arrived.

Here I Go Again!

Something happened this week that was largely the result of a mistake I made. I'm not going into the details because the details aren't important. What matters is that I created a situation that took several days to sort out.

My first reaction was frustration. Then, once everything settled, I started asking myself some questions.

Why did I do that?
Was I distracted?
Was I trying to do too many things at once?
Was I so busy pushing through everything that I stopped paying attention?

Or was this a glimpse of an old pattern I thought I'd left behind? Because here's something I've learned about myself over the years: I have a history of self-sabotage.

There. I said it.

I've done a tremendous amount of personal growth, tapping, trauma release and healing over the years. I've worked on old beliefs about what I deserve, what I'm capable of and what I'm allowed to receive. I've come a very long way.

Yet there I was this week, looking up at the sky and thinking: How did I manage to do this again?

Sometimes Awareness Comes Afterward

I didn't recognize what I was doing while it was happening.

I was busy.
I was pushing.
I was trying to get everything done.
I wasn't paying attention.

It was only afterward, when I finally had a moment to reflect, that I recognized something familiar. An old way of operating. A habit of moving so quickly that I don't always give myself the time or attention I deserve. Then I started wondering whether there was something deeper underneath it.

Was it self-sabotage?
Was it an old belief about receiving good things?
OR
was I simply doing too much and not paying attention?

I may never know exactly what was happening underneath that particular mistake. But I noticed the pattern, that matters. Awareness doesn't always arrive before we do something, sometimes it arrives afterward. Sometimes awareness arrives when we're sitting there looking at the mess we've made, wondering how on earth we managed to get ourselves into it.

Awareness doesn't have to arrive in time to prevent the mistake. Sometimes it arrives in time to help us learn from it.

That's still awareness and it's an opportunity.

Our Familiar Patterns

This week, during Teaching Day, I talked about the reticular activating system, or RAS. Our brains are constantly filtering information and helping us recognize what's familiar and important to us. Over time, repeated experiences, beliefs and behaviours can become so familiar that we move through parts of our day almost automatically.

We don't stop to question every decision.
We follow the patterns we've learned.

Some of those patterns serve us beautifully. Others? Well, perhaps it's time to take another look.

Maybe you've spent years automatically saying yes when someone asks you for something.
Maybe you apologize even when you've done nothing wrong.
Maybe you dismiss a compliment.
Maybe you talk yourself out of an opportunity before you've even considered it.
Maybe you find yourself rushing, pushing and doing everything at once
(even when you don't need to.)

At some point, those behaviours became familiar.

But familiar doesn't necessarily mean they're serving us.

Here's the wonderful thing, we can learn something new.

Awareness. Pause. Healing. Becoming.

These are my four pillars, and this week reminded me why they're so important.

Awareness.

I recognized a behaviour that I no longer want to carry forward.

I didn't recognize it in the moment. I recognized it afterward.

That's where I am today.

Pause.

Instead of immediately getting angry with myself or falling into an old story about how I always mess things up, I can stop.

Take a breath.

Get curious.

What happened here?
What was I doing?
What could I do differently next time?

Healing.

Now I can start working with what I've noticed. Maybe:

I'll do some tapping.
I'll explore whether an old belief is still influencing how I behave.
I'll talk it through with someone I trust.
I'll practise slowing down and giving myself more time.

Sometimes giving a pattern a voice helps us see it differently. What felt automatic becomes something we can examine, understand and begin to change.

Becoming.

This is where possibility comes in. I get to practise being the woman who pays attention, the woman who slows down, the woman who trusts herself, the woman who knows she deserves good things and allows herself to receive them.

Not perfectly.
Not overnight.
One choice at a time.

What Am I Taking With Me?

I've been packing for my move and making all kinds of decisions about what comes with me and what stays behind. Furniture. Clothes. Pots. Pans. That shower curtain I've talked about all week. 😂

But this week reminded me that some of the most important things we carry into the next chapter of our lives aren't things we can pack in a box.

They're our habits.
Our beliefs.
Our patterns.

Sometimes they're things we thought we'd already left behind. As I prepare to move into my new home, I've been thinking about everything I want this next chapter to hold.

More peace.
More joy.
More freedom.
More wonderful experiences.
More of the things that make me feel alive.

I want to receive all the good that's coming. This week reminded me that I also need to pay attention to the habits that might get in the way. So I've made another decision about what I'm taking with me.

The old habit of rushing through life without paying attention to myself?

I'm ready to leave that behind.

The old patterns of self-sabotage?

I'm ready to keep working on those too.

I know they may show up again.

After all, I've spent years learning some of these behaviours.

Learning something different takes practice.

But I have something now that I didn't always have.

Awareness.

I can notice.
I can pause.
I can begin healing.
I can choose again.

So can you.

Maybe there's a habit in your life that you've been carrying for years. Something you do so automatically that you rarely stop to question it. You don't have to change it all today.

Start by noticing.

Give it a voice.

Ask yourself where it came from and whether you want to keep carrying it. The next chapter of your life deserves more than a collection of old stories about who you used to be.

You deserve the good things in life.

You deserve to receive them.

You deserve to enjoy them.

ou deserve to create a life where you feel at home with yourself.

So, what are you taking with you? 💗